PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE

Should people date before they get married, or co-habit to see if they are compatible? If they date, how long before they get engaged and marry? If they choose to co-habit will they ever marry? I personally feel that people should date. From life experience, dating for at least a couple of months will help you see how the other person is in different “seasons”. Ask yourself how are they with their family and yours, with decisions, are they able to plan and be financially stable? In marriage, two people are coming together bringing in their different resources such as giving their full attention when needed, being able to plan activities and help make financial and other decisions. I was married 15 years and in the length of the marriage, we weren’t communicating well, planning our lives well, or making big decisions together well. We didn’t date long before marriage and were only engaged for a couple of months. Since then, I got divorced and then re-married. My husband and I dated for 9 months, were engaged for a couple of months, and have been married for almost a year. Even though we have our differences, we have seen each other in our different “seasons” of life. We have seen the other with their family, we have better communication, we make plans not only for dates but for our future, and we make decisions together.

                When people decide to date there are three things they should look for: planned, paired off, and paid. When a date is planned out not only is creativity involved, but how paired off is it? We hope when dating that the other person will give us their undivided attention. We also hope whoever asked us out is paying for our date. This doesn’t have to be expensive and when planning is involved great skill to have in the future. Some things to look for when dating is how aware are, they, their willingness to try and learn new skills and activities, if they are supportive or helpful in the date, and are they type to plan last minute.

                Unfortunately, here at college we see dating, engagement, and marriage. The guy and girl skip the step of courtship. Or a syndrome called “date ‘em till you hate ‘em” where one will date, break it off, and do it again to someone else. This will ruin lives and trust but the person doing it doesn’t care. The more we trust someone, the more attached we get to them. Some of this attachment is from touch. John Van Epp created a (RAM) also known as Relationship Attachment Model. This includes knowing, trusting, relying, committing, and touch. We trust too easily, but in a good relationship we need to know the other person know. Don’t rely upon others unless you know them because you are not the only one getting hurt. When relying on someone else for our needs it can help make or break us.

               

                When people co-habit, how likely is it that they will get married? This creates a slip knot for the couple and in most cases marriage doesn’t happen. The one will move in with the other and their individual resources including insurance, finances, and anything else will remain separate. The woman is ready to take the next step and is ready for marriage, but unfortunately the man just wants the intimacy but to also remain unmarried. There however are some cases where they do eventually marry and combine their resources together. If one day the couple decides they don’t get a long or agree with any life decisions, they can just up and leave. Neither person is really held accountable to the other especially if there is no commitment there. It is just two people living together but as if they are doing their own thing.

                Whether you decide to date someone or co-habit, please make sure you both decide together how you want to live your life. You may learn that neither of you want the same thing.