COMMUNICATION & MUTUAL PROBLEM SOLVING

There are several ways to communicate with people around us whether it is verbal, non-verbal, silent-treatment, actions, and more. In what ways do you communicate with your family and friends, and is it done effectively? When you are in different situations do you talk about how you feel, or do you give the silent treatment and keep everything bottled up?

Communication is one category in my life I have been working to improve on. Ever since I was younger, it hasn’t been one of my strengths. Throughout my 1^st marriage we really lacked in communicating which was difficult since he would bottle things up inside. Now being in my 2^nd marriage we communicate every day, and if there is an issue, we talk about it. One thing I have learned in two marriages is how my husband can hurt me more than anyone else. I have seen this with my ex.

In any type of relationship, communication is the key and very critical. Without it, we would all have to try and read each other’s minds, and just as I feel that is like a text message or email, there is no emotion in it. You could come across as saying something one way and it wasn’t what the other person took it as.

One way to help communicate how we feel are the “I Feel” Statements. These are when (situation/event), I feel/felt (emotions), because (thought), and I would like (want/wish/hope). I have used these statements in the past and when used, you are not pointing the finger or blaming someone else. Some people when they communicate will say “when you don’t do this…. Or when you do this” and that feels threatening. However, when you use “I feel” you are not pointing at anyone. Much more will get done when the situation doesn’t feel threatening but at peace and calm.

The way we communicate in our home can drive away the spirit. There should be no evil speaking and using the “I Feel” statements can help. Sarcasm however which has some truth in it can hurt others. When someone uses sarcasm there is a truth about it, but the other person must find what the truth is. Similar when people say “I’m just kidding” there is still some truth, or you wouldn’t have said it. We should talk to others as Christ would and let no corrupt communication proceed out of our mouths. Kind communication is especially important with kids.

Another effective way of communicating is: 5 Secrets of Effective Communication (by David Burns).  His main categories we can put in an acronym called EAR (empathy, assertiveness, and respect). We need to find the kernel of truth with kindness and openness. We can use the “disarming technique” to find truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems illogical, self-serving, distorted, or just plain wrong. There is a fine line between being strict and love and we need to have a lot of both. There should be empathy, so the other person knows you understand. We can be loving but assertive especially with our kids. They need a parent figure, but they also need you to be a friend who they feel safe and comfortable talking with. When respect is present in the conversation, sarcasm is not present.

From everything I have learned and experience throughout my life, I have discovered there are times when I haven’t felt comfortable communicating how I feel, but with help from family, friends, and therapy, communication is a big part of me. I love talking and listening to others and I know how we act and talk change not only change our way we present ourselves but those around us.